Do you really know your spouse?  When you go out together is it silence?  Do you feel like you never talk? Knowing someone is a lot more than knowing what their favorite color is.  It's knowing their stresses, their wants, their fears, their ambitions, their dreams, and so much more.    In John M. Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" he talks about love maps.  Without a love map you can't really know your spouse.  Couples who have detailed love maps of each other are more prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts.
It is important to continue to know our spouse and ask questions.  People change and so do our wants and dreams.  Stressful things happen all the time to our spouse that they may not share unless they are asked.  Being and feeling understood brings great happiness to a relationship.  Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore.  It's a way of strengthening a bond.
  Continuing to get to know each other can be fun.  It can be in the car while taking a trip, it can a reason for a date night.  It could also be fun to involve the kids on some of the questions.  Getting to know our children better can only strengthen the bond and relationship as well. The questions asked should be open end conversations not just "yes" or "no" answers.  The questions that are asked should stir up conversations and lead to more questions.

   I felt like I knew my husband pretty well.  I did answer the Love Map Questionnaire with a high score but I still missed some of the questions.  Even though I scored high and the scoring said that "this is an are of strength in your marriage."  I still felt like I had room for improvement.  I want to know everything I can about my husband.  I want to strengthen our relationship and not be that couple in the restaurant who don't talk.  I am going to do the games and ask my husband the questions that Gottman suggested, after all, it can't hurt, it can only strengthen a relationship.

To take Gottman's Love Map Questionnaire go to:
 https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/

 

When I first got married my mom gave me some advice that I have always remembered and strived to live up to.  She told me that “Your husband is my best friend and you should treat him like it.  You wouldn’t treat any other friends rudely or speak down to them, so don’t do it to your husband. ”  This has stuck with me.  There are times when I want to tell my husband what to do or I nag at him.  When I catch myself doing this I think to myself, “would I treat my other friends this way?  Would I treat my best girl friend the way I am treating my husband.”  Often times I know that I wouldn’t treat or talk to my best friends the way I talk to my husband.  If I did talk to my friends this way I guarantee they wouldn’t be my friends for long.  We should treat our spouse with respect.  We shouldn’t talk down and degrading to them, we should talk to them nicely and lovingly.

      John M. Gottman taught that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  By a deep friendship he means is “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company,” this means we enjoy being together and the time we spend together.  When a couple is happily married they  enjoy each other, spend time together,  know each others likes and dislikes,  know each others hopes and dreams, and  know each other intimately.  When we have a deep friendship with our spouse we go out of our way to make each other happy and we also do simple and small things for each other every day.   The things we do for each other don’t have to be big and grand or overly romantic.  It can be as small as leaving them a note, calling them to see how their day is going, or even packing them their lunch.

  I have found that doing small things for my husband has strengthened our relationship.  I enjoy doing acts of kindness and service.   When I do small acts of service or kindness for him I find myself appreciating the things he does for me more.  It’s not always things he might notice but they are my way of showing him that I love and am grateful for him.  Sometimes the act might be buying him a maple donut at the store, other times it might be mowing the lawn so he doesn’t have to, or taking the kids out with me to run errands so he can have a little relaxing time.   I have noticed that my husband does small acts for me as well.    The acts of kindness may be small but they are big to me. If we all looked out for one another's needs we wouldn’t have to worry about our own needs because they too would be met by our spouse. 

Fighting the Wolves

 

“And they lived happily ever after,” is the ending to most fairy tales.  This line has fooled many young people into thinking once they are married they will live happily ever after.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in the whole fairy tale.  After all we are marrying our prince in a big beautiful white princess gown (wedding dress) at a tall majestic magical castle (a temple).  It’s like a scene out of a Disney movie.  What the bride and groom don’t know is that happily ever after doesn’t exist.  The line really should have been written “And they worked hard, fought, forgave, compromised, and worked together, and then lived happily ever after.”  Marriage requires a lot of work and a lot of compromise.  Sometimes we won’t see eye to eye.  Sometimes we might fight.  How we handle our trials as a married couple will determine if we live happily ever after. 

                When my husband and I first got married I too felt like we were going to live happily ever after.  We dated for 3 years prior to getting married and we were friends before we started dating.  We hardly ever fought and we got a long great.    We have now been married for going on ten years.  They have been the best 10 years of my life.  Looking from the outside it would look like a happily ever after relationship.  However, we have to continually work on our relationship.  We are two different people with two different opinions on disciplining and raising children.  We have both changed somewhat in the last ten years.  We aren’t the same people we were when we got married.  Sometimes we fight, sometimes we hurt one anothers feelings, and sometimes we don’t see eye-to-eye.  Despite the problems we face we work hard, we work together, and we are constantly strengthening our relationship.  We haven’t reached happily ever after but we will continue to strive and work for it.

                In all marriage there are things that will cause our “Happily ever after” to not be so happy or not be ever after.  Satan has worked really hard at making it so relationships fail and couples give up.  One of the biggest dangers in a relationship is “Wolves”.  In Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s talk “Covenant marriage” he warns us of wolfs in our relationships.  Every marriage is tested by three kinds of wolves.  The first wolf he talks about is adversity.  We all will have adversity in our lives.  Some adversity may be harder than others.  Adversity can make or break a couple. If we are willing to endure and work together it can strengthen our relationship.  However, if we don’t endure together we can also be torn apart.

                The second wolf Bruce C. Hafen mentions is our own imperfections.   If we dwell on the imperfections of each other it will tear us down and our relationship apart. Instead of focusing on imperfections we can build each other up and make those imperfections disappear.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all help our spouse with their insecurities and self-esteem?

                The third Bruce C. Hafen talks about is excessive individualism.  ”The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it.”  We live in a time where we want to be our own selves and we don’t want to turn to anyone for help. We strive to have our own autonomy.  However, in doing so we are doing what Satan wants us to do.  He wants us to turn from those we love and he drives us away from each other. 

                In our own marriage we need to be aware of these wolves.  We need to be prepared and ready to fight them.  We cannot be like a hireling and run away from the sheep when we see a wolf.  We must be like the good shepherd and lay down our life for the sheep.  We should not flee when things get tough we need to work through it and endure together.  We might have to work for our happily ever but it’s something worth fighting for.  

Bruce C. Hafen's talk on Covenant Marriage:

https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/94833-Online.2016.Spring.FAML300.02/Course%20Files/Covenant_Marriage_Hafen.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=nuK52sR0IGaz2SF9QRYtMCX4h&ou=94833

Standing Up for What You Believe

   As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we will be tested and we will go through times where we will need to stand for what we believe.  How we stand or don’t stand against gay marriage will be a test for us.  Russell M. Nelson said “The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night—24/7! There is no such thing as a “part-time” disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus invited anyone who wants to be His disciple to take up His cross and follow Him.”  At this time we need to stand for what we believe we need to let others know that our view won’t change because the world is.  We cannot turn our backs on the Lord and what he believes.  We cannot be ashamed we need to stand for what we believe and others will follow.  As Russell M. Nelson said “The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel.”
     That being said we do need to stand up for what we believe, but we also need to love our brothers and sisters regardless of what they are or believe.  We can stand for what we believe and still be sensible and respectful of others.  The Lord loved all of his children and we too need to love everyone.  In the Proclamation to the World: The Family it says  "ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."  Standing for what we believe in is so much more than sharing what we believe, it is also how we treat people and if we are a good example  We should ever show unkindness  and never tear down someone.   LDS.org  addresses same sex attractions and says “The Church firmly believes that all people are equally beloved children of God and deserve to be treated with love and respect." Church apostle Elder Quentin L. Cook stated, “As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”


For more information on what was discussed here please see the following sites:
http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-marriage/
https://www.lds.org/topics/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&_r=1

Divorce Is Not An All-Purpose Solution

 

     Divorce isn’t something that any couple plans on.  All couples believe that they can make a marriage work when they first get married.  Nobody thinks that it will happen to them.  In reality, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate is double what it was back in 1960.  With the divorce rate being so high many people don’t want to get married.  I was one of those people.  When I was little I dreamed of the day of getting married.  However, the closer I got to the age of marriage the more I got scared of marriage.  Divorce is everywhere from friend’s parents, family members, movie stars, and in the media and movies.  The world plays off divorce as a common and likely result of getting married.  I didn’t want to become one of those statistics.  I feared that I could become one of the statistics if I chose to get married.  It took a lot of praying and finding the right guy to change my mind about marriage and the risk of divorce.

    There are some marriages that end in divorce due to an unfaithful spouse or abuse.  In some cases there are good reasons for divorce.  When a relationship is toxic or has abuse a person needs to do what is best for them and their children.  However, there are also many divorces that happen simply because we "fall out of love", fight too much, or don't get a long.  In these cases it is worth trying to work it out.   

     Elder Dallin H. Oaks  said “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect women.  It only requires a man and women committed to strive together toward perfection.”  I love this quote.  A lot of times when a marriage gets tough it seem a lot easier to throw in the towel and give up.  I think we have all probably had those times in our marriage where we feel like it won’t or can’t get better.  The best thing we can do is be committed to each other and strive towards perfection.  Nobody is perfect and no marriage is perfect.  Just as we strive to be Christ like we can also strive to have a good marriage.  Every day we do things like reading the scriptures and praying and it brings up closer to Christ.  Just as we have to work at growing closer to Christ, we to must work at our marriages to have a good marriage.  We have to do things to make our marriage stronger.  We can’t just expect it to be a good marriage.   President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.”

    Dallin H. Oaks also  strongly cautions those who are considering a divorce "...to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.”  Before jumping into the decision to divorce we need to pray together with our spouse for guidance and make sure that it is the right path or decision to make.  We also need to take in account our children and the impact it will make upon them.  

    We should enter into a marriage expecting and wanting to work.  When things get tough we need look for the reasons we want it to work and not why we don't want it to work. 

To read Elder Dallin H. Oaks full talk go to https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng