Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  There may be many interpretations of this scripture.  Some may say when we get married we should leave our parents and be cut of from them completely.  Others may think that it just means simply to leave their home and make you own home with your spouse.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples as “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of strength….Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families , realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” 

            It seems like there usually is a problem in most relationships with either the child not being able to completely let go of the close relationship with their parent or the parent not being able to let go of their child.  Either way it is healthy for the child to develop their own relationship with their spouse and start a new path of in life together.  This doesn’t necessarily mean to abandon old traditions and expectations of their families.  It means compromising and mixing traditions, wants, and adding your own to your relationship.  President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned parents and married adult children saying “Frequently, people continue to cleave  unto their mothers and fathers….Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands aw well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whearas cleaving should be to the wife in most things….”  President Kimball also identified some important points regarding family relationships.

·        First,  married children should confide in and counsel with their spouse.

·        Second, if possible they should establish their own household, separate from their parents.

·        Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by spouses together.

Cleaving unto our spouses may require some adjustments in our relationships.  Women who are close with their mothers and confide in them need to turn to their spouse.  It can cause problems within a marriage and jealousy from the husband if the wife is always with their mom and turning to her for advice.  Husbands also can have a hard time letting go for their parents as well. It’s not always the wife who can have a close relationship with her mom.  Having a mom or mother in-law involved in the marriage relationship makes things off balanced and can only cause problems and triangulation can occur. 

I have seen both sides happen in marriages. While reading the chapter  “Creating Healthy Ties  With In-Laws and Extended Families” By Harper, J.M. and Olsen  I came to realize that my mom has had a hard time letting go when her children have been married.  She inserts herself into a lot of our marriages and tries to give us advice and counsel when it isn’t asked for.  She has had a hard time letting go of her parenting role.  I have also seen my sister in-law have a close relationship with her mom.  They are best friends and are always together.  It’s great that her and her mom have a great relationship, however, her relationship with her husband is hurt because of it.  The chapter had a lot of great advice for solving these problems encountered in these type of relationships and how to create our marital identity. 

For more information see:

  Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Equal Partners

     The Proclamation to the World: The Family says  “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”  God has given both males and females essential roles.  Being a mother and father are divine and ultimate callings.

     When parenting it is important for both mother and father to be united and work together.  One cannot be above the other.  If one parent acts above the other than there cannot be happiness and peace in the home.  Gordon B. Hinckley said “ In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”  Gordon B. Hinckley also said “Marriage in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

     Although marriage is a partnership both mother and father both have their own roles.  A father’s have the duty to preside over their families in love and righteousness and to provide and protect their families.  Mothers are to nurture their children.  These roles are important and cannot be reversed. Each role is different in its own way but the complement each other, like a pair of hands.  Each hand can do things individually.  However, alone they cannot accomplish what they can do together like using a shovel.  The roles work together to accomplish great and important things.

     Sometimes I feel like being a mother is an impossible job and the hardest thing in the world.  No matter how hard being a mom can be, I could not fathom playing the role my husband does.  He takes on the responsibility of providing and protecting for us.  That is a really big responsibility, something I could not do.  The role I play is something he probably couldn’t do either.  Together we make it work, our partnership is strengthened by each other’s sacrifices and strengths.  

Emotionally Unfaithful Relationships

A lot of people thing being unfaithful to a spouse is having a sexual affair.  However, being unfaithful to a spouse can be a lot more than just having sexual relations with someone else.  You can be unfaithful to a spouse by having an emotional relationship with someone else.  Most of the times when an emotional relationship happens with someone of the opposite sex it doesn’t even occur to the person that they are being unfaithful to your spouse, we see it as a just close friendship.  We don’t see that we have crossed a line because there isn’t anything physical or romantic about the relationship.  However, sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings should be shared with our spouse not someone we consider a close friend. Kenneth W. Matheson said “Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”

                Is it safe to have a non-mutual friendship with someone of the opposite sex?  I would have to say no.  It’s not safe.  There are too many lines that can be crossed easily without noticing.  I think it’s safe to say when in doubt put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  How would you feel if your spouse had a friend of the opposite sex and they text, emailed, called, or went to lunch together.  Would you feel jealous?  Would you feel insecure in your relationship?  I know if my husband had a friend who was a girl and he was always talking about her or with her it would hurt me for sure.  Emotional relationships can damage a marriage and tear it apart.  It’s another one of Satan’s ways to destroy the family. Kenneth W. Matheson said “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” 

                Emotional relationships happen more often than we thing.  My Uncle is not a member of the Church buy my Aunt is.  They have been married for 40+ years.  Recently my Uncle has become reunited with an old flame through Facebook.  They send messages back and forth, they talk on the phone, and recently she visited him and my Aunt.  Everyone outside of my aunt and uncles relationship can see what is going on.  My Aunt is in denial and doesn’t see anything wrong with him having a relationship with an old girlfriend.

In Kenneth W. Matheson’s  talk on Fidelity in Marriage he gave some questions to evaluate      if you have a need to improve spiritual fidelity.  He said to ask yourself the following questions:

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answered these questions there may be room for you to make some changes in your life and in your relationships. 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng