When a couple can’t get a long and neither is willing to give in it becomes a gridlock.  John m. Gottman describes gridlock as “When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists.  Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it.  As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish.  Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.” 

Some people may gridlock over big things like what religion to raise their children or how to raise children.  However, couples can also gridlock over things that might seem trivial or ridiculous.  My husband and I have gridlocked over big and little things throughout our marriage.  I often catch myself not wanting to give into him and let him win.  We have gridlock over where and whom we spend holidays with and when it is okay to tell our children the truth about Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.  We also have gridlocked over smaller things like how often we should water our grass.  To outsiders some of the things we argue or gridlock over might seem ridiculous, but to us they are important enough to not give in or let each other win. 

A couple knows they have reached a gridlock when:

1. You’ve had the same argument multiple times without solving it.

2.  Both spouses cannot address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.  The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.  Compromising seems impossible.  If we were to compromise we would be giving in or selling out.

The best thing is to avoid gridlock.  However, sometimes it seems impossible to do so, especially when we are so passionate about our beliefs.  There are ways to help avoid gridlock including being on the lookout for each other’s needs.  When we put each other’s needs first we are showing our spouse how much we care.  We can also turn towards each other, strengthen our fondness and admiration.  We can also pray.  Praying for one another and for understanding can help a relationship tremendously.  I have noticed a big difference when I take time to pray during my husband and my arguments.  When I pray for understanding and for guidance I often am humbled and can see another way for us to compromise or work through our problems.  Often during an argument it is easy to forget that we are not alone and our Heavenly Father is there for us and will guide us.  If pray was involved more in relationships there wouldn’t be so much anger and contention in the home.  

Anger is not a Feeling From God

The family is in the center of God’s creation.  The family is the reasoning for almost all things.  We came to Earth to be tested, get a body, and be sealed to our family.  The proclamation to the World that family is the central to the Creator’s Plan. We also learn in it that the “husband and wife have the solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” 1995)
We strive as families to not let anything get in the way of our eternal happiness.  However, no matter how hard we try Satan will always be trying to pull us down.  He is working now more than ever to attack the family.  He attacks the family in a number of ways.  He introduces things like pornography, affairs, drugs, violence, and premarital sex into our homes.  His influence is everywhere.  The television can’t be turned on without bringing something negative and down trotting into our homes.  Satan is really good at causing problems and making things worse.  He loves to make us feel like we can’t control our emotions and thoughts.  We can control being angry and we can control our feelings and reactions. We were all given free agency which gives us the choice to choose.  
When we are angry it is important for us to remember that that is not a feeling from God.  God does not give us feelings that would do us harm or danger.  Anger is from Satan.  He rejoices in our sorrow.  In Eph. 4:26 Paul asks the question, “Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. " We have been given our agency and we have the choice if we want to be angry or not.  We have the choice if we let it enter into our lives.

It is important as mothers and fathers that we not let the anger get the best of us.  We have been trusted with sweet little children who trust and love us.  We need to love and guide them and not let anger get in our way of being loving parents to them.  I have a 4 year old and 6 year old.  Some days my anger does become a problem.  I love my children and I hate being upset with them.  When I do get mad at them I feel guilty and disappointed in myself.  Being a parent isn’t something that we all come great at.  It takes work and a lot of practice.  The best thing we can do is love and try our best at keeping the anger out of our home.  We need to make sure that our children know that they are loved.

Repenting for Pride in a Marriage

Pride is everywhere.  We might try to escape pride but it seems to always find us in a way.  Pride is more than just being arrogant and self-centered.  It’s enmity towards God and fellowmen (Benson).  Pride is competitive in nature.  Humans tend to be competitive in nature as well.  I think that is why we are so acceptable to pride.
Pride can even be present in our marriages. I know for me I have a hard time admitting that I am wrong.  I often joke with my husband that we should do what I want or think because I am always right.  This is a big source of pride for me.  I don’t want to admit if I am wrong or if I have made a mistake.  We all have our weakness when it comes to pride, but the most important thing remember when it comes to pride is that we should always turn towards God and repentance.  I never realized the importance of repentance in a marriage.  I knew that we should repent to the things we do that might be wrong or offend God.  However, it never really occurred to me that we should repent for the ways we react during an argument with a spouse or for the irritation we might feel towards a spouse.  In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” Goddard says “..any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call out spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves out to repentance.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility. “ (Goddard, pg. 77)  This was quote was a big eye opener to me.  I didn’t realize how when I am irritated with my husband I should actually be the one to repent.

Goddard said something else that really stuck me as well, he said “ when we have the “mindset of Christ” we see our spouses in a different way."  I have pondered this and I have concluded that our marriage is a partnership not just with each other but with Christ.  When we do wrong we repent to our Heavenly Father for forgiveness, so when we hurt or do something in our marriage that might cause tension we should also ask not just our spouse for repentance but our Heavenly father as well.  After all, Christ is a part of our relationship and all should be asked for forgiveness.  When we repent for our sins we are drawn closer to Christ, and we can feel his love for us.  When we repent we can also grow closer to our spouse and see them in a different light, like how they are seen through our Heavenly Fathers eyes.

Having Faith In Jesus Christ

When things start to get hard or difficult in life we often want to give up.  Sometimes it just seems easier to just give in and fail.  This can be the case in many things such as school, learning a new skill, and in marriage.  One thing that can make a world of difference when it comes to hard and trying times is faith.  “Having faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can transform our imperfect relationships into purposeful growth and soul-filling companionships.  It is the foundation on which strong relationships are built.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage). 

                Wallace Goddard said told of a story of his grandmother who was a single mother and put everything she had into taking care of her children.   She looked forward to her pay day when she would be able to have time to read and sew.  When it she went blind.  Instead of going bitter and wondering “why me?” she endured faithfully and cheerfully because she trusted in God and had faith that he would turn her experience into blessings.  This woman had great faith and I’m sure that she got her reward.

                I haven’t had too many trials in my life that I would call big or near Goddards Grandmother (knock on wood).  But I believe all trials whether small or big requires us to have faith in order to make it through.   I know the trials I have had or the problems that my husband and I might have had have been better because we have had faith.  I have faith that my marriage can be happy and that my husband and I can work our any problems that come our way, as long as we have faith and center our lives around Christ. 

President Hunter said “If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel , nothing can go permanently wrong.  On the other hand if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.” This was my former bishop and institute teacher’s and his wife’s motto.  She endured 3 years of cancer and passed away this last December.  She was very young and still had children at home.  Instead of being bitter she saw this as a blessing.  Instead of asking “why me?” she asked “why not me?” she knew where she was going and she knew she would be with her family again, whereas many don’t have this view in life.  She had faith that her trial would bring her great blessings and she would be with her family again.  In the years I have known her and her family my faith has grown because of her and her example.  She was a great woman and I am sure she is doing great things in Heaven. 

                It’s important to remember that just because we have faith things will go the way we want.  “Having faith does not make everything easy.  Rather faith makes life and it’s challenges both bearable and meaning-filled.”(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg. 67)