Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  There may be many interpretations of this scripture.  Some may say when we get married we should leave our parents and be cut of from them completely.  Others may think that it just means simply to leave their home and make you own home with your spouse.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples as “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of strength….Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families , realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” 

            It seems like there usually is a problem in most relationships with either the child not being able to completely let go of the close relationship with their parent or the parent not being able to let go of their child.  Either way it is healthy for the child to develop their own relationship with their spouse and start a new path of in life together.  This doesn’t necessarily mean to abandon old traditions and expectations of their families.  It means compromising and mixing traditions, wants, and adding your own to your relationship.  President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned parents and married adult children saying “Frequently, people continue to cleave  unto their mothers and fathers….Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands aw well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whearas cleaving should be to the wife in most things….”  President Kimball also identified some important points regarding family relationships.

·        First,  married children should confide in and counsel with their spouse.

·        Second, if possible they should establish their own household, separate from their parents.

·        Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by spouses together.

Cleaving unto our spouses may require some adjustments in our relationships.  Women who are close with their mothers and confide in them need to turn to their spouse.  It can cause problems within a marriage and jealousy from the husband if the wife is always with their mom and turning to her for advice.  Husbands also can have a hard time letting go for their parents as well. It’s not always the wife who can have a close relationship with her mom.  Having a mom or mother in-law involved in the marriage relationship makes things off balanced and can only cause problems and triangulation can occur. 

I have seen both sides happen in marriages. While reading the chapter  “Creating Healthy Ties  With In-Laws and Extended Families” By Harper, J.M. and Olsen  I came to realize that my mom has had a hard time letting go when her children have been married.  She inserts herself into a lot of our marriages and tries to give us advice and counsel when it isn’t asked for.  She has had a hard time letting go of her parenting role.  I have also seen my sister in-law have a close relationship with her mom.  They are best friends and are always together.  It’s great that her and her mom have a great relationship, however, her relationship with her husband is hurt because of it.  The chapter had a lot of great advice for solving these problems encountered in these type of relationships and how to create our marital identity. 

For more information see:

  Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Equal Partners

     The Proclamation to the World: The Family says  “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”  God has given both males and females essential roles.  Being a mother and father are divine and ultimate callings.

     When parenting it is important for both mother and father to be united and work together.  One cannot be above the other.  If one parent acts above the other than there cannot be happiness and peace in the home.  Gordon B. Hinckley said “ In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”  Gordon B. Hinckley also said “Marriage in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

     Although marriage is a partnership both mother and father both have their own roles.  A father’s have the duty to preside over their families in love and righteousness and to provide and protect their families.  Mothers are to nurture their children.  These roles are important and cannot be reversed. Each role is different in its own way but the complement each other, like a pair of hands.  Each hand can do things individually.  However, alone they cannot accomplish what they can do together like using a shovel.  The roles work together to accomplish great and important things.

     Sometimes I feel like being a mother is an impossible job and the hardest thing in the world.  No matter how hard being a mom can be, I could not fathom playing the role my husband does.  He takes on the responsibility of providing and protecting for us.  That is a really big responsibility, something I could not do.  The role I play is something he probably couldn’t do either.  Together we make it work, our partnership is strengthened by each other’s sacrifices and strengths.  

Emotionally Unfaithful Relationships

A lot of people thing being unfaithful to a spouse is having a sexual affair.  However, being unfaithful to a spouse can be a lot more than just having sexual relations with someone else.  You can be unfaithful to a spouse by having an emotional relationship with someone else.  Most of the times when an emotional relationship happens with someone of the opposite sex it doesn’t even occur to the person that they are being unfaithful to your spouse, we see it as a just close friendship.  We don’t see that we have crossed a line because there isn’t anything physical or romantic about the relationship.  However, sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings should be shared with our spouse not someone we consider a close friend. Kenneth W. Matheson said “Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”

                Is it safe to have a non-mutual friendship with someone of the opposite sex?  I would have to say no.  It’s not safe.  There are too many lines that can be crossed easily without noticing.  I think it’s safe to say when in doubt put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  How would you feel if your spouse had a friend of the opposite sex and they text, emailed, called, or went to lunch together.  Would you feel jealous?  Would you feel insecure in your relationship?  I know if my husband had a friend who was a girl and he was always talking about her or with her it would hurt me for sure.  Emotional relationships can damage a marriage and tear it apart.  It’s another one of Satan’s ways to destroy the family. Kenneth W. Matheson said “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” 

                Emotional relationships happen more often than we thing.  My Uncle is not a member of the Church buy my Aunt is.  They have been married for 40+ years.  Recently my Uncle has become reunited with an old flame through Facebook.  They send messages back and forth, they talk on the phone, and recently she visited him and my Aunt.  Everyone outside of my aunt and uncles relationship can see what is going on.  My Aunt is in denial and doesn’t see anything wrong with him having a relationship with an old girlfriend.

In Kenneth W. Matheson’s  talk on Fidelity in Marriage he gave some questions to evaluate      if you have a need to improve spiritual fidelity.  He said to ask yourself the following questions:

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answered these questions there may be room for you to make some changes in your life and in your relationships. 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

When a couple can’t get a long and neither is willing to give in it becomes a gridlock.  John m. Gottman describes gridlock as “When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists.  Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it.  As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish.  Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.” 

Some people may gridlock over big things like what religion to raise their children or how to raise children.  However, couples can also gridlock over things that might seem trivial or ridiculous.  My husband and I have gridlocked over big and little things throughout our marriage.  I often catch myself not wanting to give into him and let him win.  We have gridlock over where and whom we spend holidays with and when it is okay to tell our children the truth about Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.  We also have gridlocked over smaller things like how often we should water our grass.  To outsiders some of the things we argue or gridlock over might seem ridiculous, but to us they are important enough to not give in or let each other win. 

A couple knows they have reached a gridlock when:

1. You’ve had the same argument multiple times without solving it.

2.  Both spouses cannot address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.  The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.  Compromising seems impossible.  If we were to compromise we would be giving in or selling out.

The best thing is to avoid gridlock.  However, sometimes it seems impossible to do so, especially when we are so passionate about our beliefs.  There are ways to help avoid gridlock including being on the lookout for each other’s needs.  When we put each other’s needs first we are showing our spouse how much we care.  We can also turn towards each other, strengthen our fondness and admiration.  We can also pray.  Praying for one another and for understanding can help a relationship tremendously.  I have noticed a big difference when I take time to pray during my husband and my arguments.  When I pray for understanding and for guidance I often am humbled and can see another way for us to compromise or work through our problems.  Often during an argument it is easy to forget that we are not alone and our Heavenly Father is there for us and will guide us.  If pray was involved more in relationships there wouldn’t be so much anger and contention in the home.  

Anger is not a Feeling From God

The family is in the center of God’s creation.  The family is the reasoning for almost all things.  We came to Earth to be tested, get a body, and be sealed to our family.  The proclamation to the World that family is the central to the Creator’s Plan. We also learn in it that the “husband and wife have the solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” 1995)
We strive as families to not let anything get in the way of our eternal happiness.  However, no matter how hard we try Satan will always be trying to pull us down.  He is working now more than ever to attack the family.  He attacks the family in a number of ways.  He introduces things like pornography, affairs, drugs, violence, and premarital sex into our homes.  His influence is everywhere.  The television can’t be turned on without bringing something negative and down trotting into our homes.  Satan is really good at causing problems and making things worse.  He loves to make us feel like we can’t control our emotions and thoughts.  We can control being angry and we can control our feelings and reactions. We were all given free agency which gives us the choice to choose.  
When we are angry it is important for us to remember that that is not a feeling from God.  God does not give us feelings that would do us harm or danger.  Anger is from Satan.  He rejoices in our sorrow.  In Eph. 4:26 Paul asks the question, “Can ye be angry, and not sin?” The Lord is very clear on this issue: “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. " We have been given our agency and we have the choice if we want to be angry or not.  We have the choice if we let it enter into our lives.

It is important as mothers and fathers that we not let the anger get the best of us.  We have been trusted with sweet little children who trust and love us.  We need to love and guide them and not let anger get in our way of being loving parents to them.  I have a 4 year old and 6 year old.  Some days my anger does become a problem.  I love my children and I hate being upset with them.  When I do get mad at them I feel guilty and disappointed in myself.  Being a parent isn’t something that we all come great at.  It takes work and a lot of practice.  The best thing we can do is love and try our best at keeping the anger out of our home.  We need to make sure that our children know that they are loved.

Repenting for Pride in a Marriage

Pride is everywhere.  We might try to escape pride but it seems to always find us in a way.  Pride is more than just being arrogant and self-centered.  It’s enmity towards God and fellowmen (Benson).  Pride is competitive in nature.  Humans tend to be competitive in nature as well.  I think that is why we are so acceptable to pride.
Pride can even be present in our marriages. I know for me I have a hard time admitting that I am wrong.  I often joke with my husband that we should do what I want or think because I am always right.  This is a big source of pride for me.  I don’t want to admit if I am wrong or if I have made a mistake.  We all have our weakness when it comes to pride, but the most important thing remember when it comes to pride is that we should always turn towards God and repentance.  I never realized the importance of repentance in a marriage.  I knew that we should repent to the things we do that might be wrong or offend God.  However, it never really occurred to me that we should repent for the ways we react during an argument with a spouse or for the irritation we might feel towards a spouse.  In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” Goddard says “..any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call out spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves out to repentance.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility. “ (Goddard, pg. 77)  This was quote was a big eye opener to me.  I didn’t realize how when I am irritated with my husband I should actually be the one to repent.

Goddard said something else that really stuck me as well, he said “ when we have the “mindset of Christ” we see our spouses in a different way."  I have pondered this and I have concluded that our marriage is a partnership not just with each other but with Christ.  When we do wrong we repent to our Heavenly Father for forgiveness, so when we hurt or do something in our marriage that might cause tension we should also ask not just our spouse for repentance but our Heavenly father as well.  After all, Christ is a part of our relationship and all should be asked for forgiveness.  When we repent for our sins we are drawn closer to Christ, and we can feel his love for us.  When we repent we can also grow closer to our spouse and see them in a different light, like how they are seen through our Heavenly Fathers eyes.

Having Faith In Jesus Christ

When things start to get hard or difficult in life we often want to give up.  Sometimes it just seems easier to just give in and fail.  This can be the case in many things such as school, learning a new skill, and in marriage.  One thing that can make a world of difference when it comes to hard and trying times is faith.  “Having faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can transform our imperfect relationships into purposeful growth and soul-filling companionships.  It is the foundation on which strong relationships are built.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage). 

                Wallace Goddard said told of a story of his grandmother who was a single mother and put everything she had into taking care of her children.   She looked forward to her pay day when she would be able to have time to read and sew.  When it she went blind.  Instead of going bitter and wondering “why me?” she endured faithfully and cheerfully because she trusted in God and had faith that he would turn her experience into blessings.  This woman had great faith and I’m sure that she got her reward.

                I haven’t had too many trials in my life that I would call big or near Goddards Grandmother (knock on wood).  But I believe all trials whether small or big requires us to have faith in order to make it through.   I know the trials I have had or the problems that my husband and I might have had have been better because we have had faith.  I have faith that my marriage can be happy and that my husband and I can work our any problems that come our way, as long as we have faith and center our lives around Christ. 

President Hunter said “If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel , nothing can go permanently wrong.  On the other hand if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right.” This was my former bishop and institute teacher’s and his wife’s motto.  She endured 3 years of cancer and passed away this last December.  She was very young and still had children at home.  Instead of being bitter she saw this as a blessing.  Instead of asking “why me?” she asked “why not me?” she knew where she was going and she knew she would be with her family again, whereas many don’t have this view in life.  She had faith that her trial would bring her great blessings and she would be with her family again.  In the years I have known her and her family my faith has grown because of her and her example.  She was a great woman and I am sure she is doing great things in Heaven. 

                It’s important to remember that just because we have faith things will go the way we want.  “Having faith does not make everything easy.  Rather faith makes life and it’s challenges both bearable and meaning-filled.”(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg. 67)